Happy New Year!! Mine is going to be anyway, and I certainly hope the same is true of your 2013. At the very least it is a continuation of this divine quest on Earth, and more specifically, our search for Southern California’s finest hamburger. In the spirit of acknowledging the fact that many folks make incredibly predictable New Year’s resolutions, I had planned to only review veggie burgers this month, in that I never otherwise see much reason to focus on them. However I abandoned that idea nearly as fast as some of you have abandoned your ambition to eat more healthily, so let’s celebrate what’s truly cause for jubilation: life on this planet post-apocalypse is not NEARLY as bad as I thought it was going to be. I’m kidding of course, and since I am sure we can agree the world didn’t end 3 weeks ago, we can probably also agree that filling our basements with long-life batteries and non-perishable foods was maybe not the smartest use of our Christmas bonuses. True as that may be, we should all find solace in the fact that one restaurant in particular has found a positively superb way to disseminate its unneeded stockpile by way of perhaps the wildest burger we have discussed to date, brought to you by long time favorite, The Oinkster.
For those who don’t know, the Oinkster has begun to do a “Burger of the Month,” each of which so far (there have been 3) is a pretty brave step away from the king of their permanent menu, the perfectly crafted Classic Burger. The prior two have been awesome: the first in November was a turkey burger that captured all the flavors one would expect to encounter at a proper thanksgiving dinner (including among other ingredients sautéed leeks and celery [that when combined in a bite with bun totally resemble stuffing] and cranberry sauce), and last month’s Cochinita Pibil burger (all pork patty, slow roasted Yucatan pork stew not unlike adobo, lettuce, tomato, mayo, guacamole, refried black beans and pickled onions). I ate and thoroughly enjoyed both of these but have never intended to cover burgers that you guys can only get for a few weeks- it just seems like such a tease. Today I eat those words because January’s burger blew my mind. It is titled: The Doomsday Prepper’s Burger.
You are going to be skeptical when I tell you what’s on this thing. I certainly was. It was obviously designed in the spirit of Armageddon bunker foods and consists of: 6oz. angus patty, grilled Spam, rehydrated onions, a healthy slab of melted Velveeta, thousand island, Funyuns, pickles, and fruit cocktail chutney(!!!) all on a sesame seed bun. Truthfully I only ate it out of morbid curiosity but please believe me when I tell you that it does not even make sense how delicious this burger is. The sum of the parts vastly outweighs their individual strengths and as you probably know I am rarely a fan of a busy burger. Go ahead, scoff. Assume that I must have just grown up eating trashy factory-made stuff like this (you’d actually be right to do so but I have not gotten excited about Velveeta processed pasteurized cheese food product since the early 90’s). Think that it just can’t be good. Think, “Who eats Spam?” All of these thoughts are natural and were native to my own mind until I bit into the burger. I made them bring me a little side of the chutney so I could figure out what made it so yummy. By itself, it is easy to tell that it’s flavored with curry but on the burger you almost wouldn’t ever pick it out. It just works. I grow ever fonder of throwing crunchy things in the mix too, in this case Funyuns. A dash of texture in a sea of soft savory salty stuff is always pleasant. This burger is one juicy sloppy doomsday mess in the best possible of ways.
The Doomsday Prepper is rich and hearty, so don’t plan to play basketball immediately afterwards, but do yourself a favor and go get one. I have done you all a disservice by waiting until 10 days into the only month it will ever exist before sharing my experience with you (sorry!!). Also, if you go, tell me about it. I could really use some affirmation that I am not out of my mind and that against all odds, this burger is confoundingly delicious. I suspect you’re all going to be as blown away as I was.